I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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