I have demons in me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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