I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
