So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
