I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
