rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
