i can't believe i had my finger in that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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