i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
