Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
