apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
