tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
