I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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