I wish my penis had an off switch
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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