i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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