what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
