didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
