im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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