theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
