Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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