Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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