I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
