True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
