Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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