When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
