my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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