just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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