this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No subtext here. People are naked.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Randomize
