Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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