K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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