nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
