Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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