trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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