somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
