to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
