went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
