dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
