Just took my morning after pill in the library
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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