She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
