Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
