and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
