dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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