It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
