I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
