I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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