Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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