Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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