I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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