My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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