This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
