this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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