I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
As shirtless as possible
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
