Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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