I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
