My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
