I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
