Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
