Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she looked like the before picture.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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