sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
