Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
