I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
