Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
