just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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