I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
